Don’t punish yourself with damaging visualizations of Janet Reno to last longer in bed. In America we have drugs. We’re talking desensitizers: those magical sprays and creams that claim to turn a minute man into a marathoner. Always up for easy ways to look good in bed, we had a couple road-test some formulas. We handed them the elixirs and a stopwatch and told ’em to go at it like epileptic poodles (“Anything for science,” said the guy) and report back in a week. Using nothing the first time, our man took an embarrassingly speedy 59 seconds to fire his weapon. Here’s how he did with the help of America’s top scientific minds:


Stud 100 Desensitizing Spray for Men ($14.95)

Secret ingredient: Lidocaine, also used in nasal sprays.

Directions: Mist your fern with a few sprays. Wait no more than 10 minutes, then jump in. Wash off after or…shit, it doesn’t say what happens!

Sensation: “After waiting five minutes,” said our tester, “I got a warm, tingly feeling.” Inspired, he got to it, but the harder he revved his engines, “the number Mr. Happy got.” After 12 minutes, “a trickle of feeling came back,” he said. Five more minutes turned the tide.

Shot fired in: 17 min., 31 sec.

Buy it:


Iron Wood ($27.95)

Secret ingredient:
Radix asari, a Chinese herb. Also cures headaches, but probably not the kind she has.

Directions: Just like Right Guard, Iron Wood comes with a roll-on applicator. Rub its speed stick over yours, wait 40 minutes, wash off, and hop in the saddle.

Sensation: The label says to expect a “slight burning sensation” right after application. “It should have read ?Your cock will burn like a lit match,’” said our tester. The pain left after five minutes. “In the sack I felt only slightly less than normal.”

Shot fired in: 5 min., 47 sec.

Buy it:


Indian God Lotion ($14.95)

Secret ingredient:
Isopropyl alcohol. Conveniently, it’s also a substance used in wart removers.

Directions: Spray the soldier’s helmet, wait a half-hour, then rinse and deploy.

Cold, numbing tingles set in minutes after application. “It felt like I had visited a dick dentist,” the guy complained. “And in the sack I felt like a pick swinger in a coal mine.”

Shot fired in:
Didn’t happen. After 30 minutes of continuous motion, he rolled over and fell asleep. “But for once I had an excuse,” he reported happily.

Buy it:


Two Trojans

Secret ingredient: Rubber. Also used in Michelins, Dunlops, and toy ducks.

Directions: If you don’t know this time-honored technique, don’t have sex.

Sensation: You bitch about one rubber? “Two slows down the senses so much that it’s like having sex with a wad of cold, chewed gum,” said our volunteer. Still, chewed gum beats none at all.

Shot fired in: 5 min., 15 sec.

Buy it: Condomania

Lowest Price Anywhere!

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New Remedies, Inc.
2711 E Craig Road #K
North Las Vegas, NV 89030