| |
 |
|
 |
|
DonÕt punish yourself with damaging visualizations of Janet Reno to last longer in bed. In America we have drugs. WeÕre talking desensitizers: those magical sprays and creams that claim to turn a minute man into a marathoner. Always up for easy ways to look good in bed, we had a couple road-test some formulas. We handed them the elixirs and a stopwatch and told Õem to go at it like epileptic poodles (ÒAnything for science,Ó said the guy) and report back in a week. Using nothing the first time, our man took an embarrassingly speedy 59 seconds to fire his weapon. HereÕs how he did with the help of AmericaÕs top scientific minds:
|
|
Stud 100 Desensitizing Spray for Men ($14.95)
Secret ingredient: Lidocaine, also used in nasal sprays.
Directions: Mist your fern with a few sprays. Wait no more than 10 minutes, then jump in. Wash off after orÉshit, it doesnÕt say what happens!
Sensation: ÒAfter waiting five minutes,Ó said our tester, ÒI got a warm, tingly feeling.Ó Inspired, he got to it, but the harder he revved his engines, Òthe number Mr. Happy got.Ó After 12 minutes, Òa trickle of feeling came back,Ó he said. Five more minutes turned the tide.
Shot fired in: 17 min., 31 sec.
Buy it: NewRemedies.com |
Iron Wood ($27.95)
Secret ingredient: Radix asari, a Chinese herb. Also cures headaches, but probably not the kind she has.
Directions: Just like Right Guard, Iron Wood comes with a roll-on applicator. Rub its speed stick over yours, wait 40 minutes, wash off, and hop in the saddle.
Sensation: The label says to expect a Òslight burning sensationÓ right after application. ÒIt should have read ?Your cock will burn like a lit match,ÕÓ said our tester. The pain left after five minutes. ÒIn the sack I felt only slightly less than normal.Ó
Shot fired in: 5 min., 47 sec.
Buy it: NewRemedies.com |
|
|
|
Indian God Lotion ($14.95)
Secret ingredient: Isopropyl alcohol. Conveniently, itÕs also a substance used in wart removers.
Directions: Spray the soldierÕs helmet, wait a half-hour, then rinse and deploy.
Sensation: Cold, numbing tingles set in minutes after application. ÒIt felt like I had visited a dick dentist,Ó the guy complained. ÒAnd in the sack I felt like a pick swinger in a coal mine.Ó
Shot fired in: DidnÕt happen. After 30 minutes of continuous motion, he rolled over and fell asleep. ÒBut for once I had an excuse,Ó he reported happily.
Buy it: NewRemedies.com |
Two Trojans
Secret ingredient: Rubber. Also used in Michelins, Dunlops, and toy ducks.
Directions: If you donÕt know this time-honored technique, donÕt have sex.
Sensation: You bitch about one rubber? ÒTwo slows down the senses so much that itÕs like having sex with a wad of cold, chewed gum,Ó said our volunteer. Still, chewed gum beats none at all.
Shot fired in: 5 min., 15 sec.
Buy it: Condomania |
|
|
Lowest Price Anywhere!
For more info call 1 (800) 741-1105.
Operators standing by!
Or Send Money Orders Only to:
New Remedies, Inc.
2711 E Craig Road #K
North Las Vegas, NV 89030 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
